Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Director: George Lucas

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Samuel L Jackson, Christopher Lee

“Dear Mr Lucas,

Thank you! Thank you for restoring my faith in you being an inept director! Thank you for hammering the final nail in the lid of the coffin of my memories! Most of all thank you for turning this once passionate Star Wars fan away from the franchise.

The warning signs were there all those years ago when, for some sick reason only you know, the Ewoks were crafted. A decade and a half later you went back and tampered with the films, giving us the Special Editions. What was special about them, Mr Lucas? The weakening of the scenes and drama by your ham-fisted approach to CGI?

Then, you gave us The Phantom Menace! Did you not realise how much we were wanting more Star Wars? If so, did you never notice how it was the film that you didn’t direct (Empire) that was always the most popular one (we all know that you were really pulling the strings on Jedi, so don’t try throwing that at us!) Why did you insist on directing? Why did you give us Jar Jar? Why did you market your film on a great character, only to seriously under use him? Why did you choose a dodgy child actor for the role of Anakin? Most of all, how did you get such terrible performances out of all the names in the film? That must have been skilful!

But we were willing to forgive you!

You then gave us Attack of the Clones, and at first I was really pleased! It was much better than Phantom Menace! Jar Jar had less of a part, and the action was fantastic. However, it soon sank in that all was not right. Repeated watching became a chore, especially that 20 minutes ‘love’ section in the middle! Have you ever been in love, Mr Lucas? Do you seriously think people talk like that when they are in love? How many Mills & Boon novels did you plagiarize for that dialogue?

You know, I can rewatch A New Hope, Empire, and even Jedi over and over again. I have a copy of Clones which is just gathering dust on the shelf (and I have no intentnion of paying money for Phantom Menace...even if it is 50p at a charity shop)! I can’t bear the thought of sitting through them again! That’s wrong for a fan!

But, I was willing to forgive you! After all, did you not say that the third film is what all the long term fans really wanted to see, and you knew we would hate the first two (but they needed to be told). I was willing to forgive you if you could deliver.

Well, goodbye Mr Lucas! I have fallen to the dark side, and may never return. The TV series would excite me, but you are directing and writing the first 25 episodes! Perhaps I will watch them after that, but I can’t bear the thought of sitting through more of your efforts!

For 28 years I have loved your saga. Now, I just wish the last ten years could be erased!”

I am really not sure about Episode 3! If you don’t know the story by now, you must have just crawled out from under a rock! This is the film where all hell breaks loose. The Jedi are wiped out by the Emperor and Anakin (now titled Darth Vader). Luke and Leia will be born. Anakin and Obi Wan will face off above the lava we have heard so much about. Boy, does it look spectacular! Unfortunately beauty is only skin deep, and beneath the CGI skin of this film is a very hollow, empty heart!

First, the positives! If you are after spectacular action, then look no further. The opening shots of the battle in space are simply jaw-dropping. The lightsaber combat is the best of the series, from the first battle against droids, to General Grievous’ 4-way sabre wielding, to the spectacular fight above the lava. Even the Yoda fight (a scene which just looked plain daft in Episode 2 – prompting laughs from an audience for all the wrong reasons) is impressive this time, taking place in the Senate chambers, as the green guy faces up to Palpatine. The Kashyyk battle is wonderful, with ILM giving some of their best CGI to date throughout. Jar Jar is only visible for a few seconds, and doesn’t talk (thank you!)

However, that is all this film is. Gloss and CGI action. The story is minor, and as weakly written as you would expect from Lucas’ pen. The direction of the ‘between fights’ sections is dull, and Lucas has once again managed to make a bunch of great actors look like they are on stage in a Panto! The romance between Padme and Anakin is as force fed as it was in Episode 2, with no chemistry existing between the pair at all. Is this really Hayden “Shattered Glass” Christensen and Natalie “Garden State” Portman, or are they really clones? Once of what should be the most haunting and powerful scenes – where Anakin walks into the Jedi temple and is confronted with the scared children – is severely weakened by a child actor who has only just learned to read his lines, let alone saying them. Perhaps I missed something there, and maybe the scene was showing the Jedi council as an equal opportunities employer, having recruited a mental retard to the ranks! But I think not.

No doubt there are many of you who will say I am talking rubbish here! You will point out to me how the fights were great etc. Yes, I said that myself…but effects do not make a movie. Think back to the original trilogy – what are the memorable scenes for you? Is it the fights, or is it the pace setting scenes, such as Mos Eisley Canteena (“A more wretched hive..”), the sneak around the Death Star to rescue Leia (“..reactor leak, big leak...”), the banter on Hoth (“Who’s scruffy lookin’?”), the training with Yoda, the slow build of romance between Han and Leia, Jabba’s throne room, the temptation of Luke by the Emperor? You see, with Revenge of the Sith you will always remember the fights, but the dire-logue is forgettable. It is all spectacle, and no testicle!

I used to be a huge fan of Star Wars. This was supposed to be the film I have wanted for the past 28 years! If Lucas really believes this is what I wanted, then I pity him. He really has lost his vision.

I will need to watch the film again to truly decide if it is better that Clones or not. Suffice to say it is not as good as Jedi, and that was the worst of the original trilogy. Thing is, I really can’t face sitting through the whole thing again at this point in time. I’m now going to re-watch Empire again to remind me what good Star Wars really is (and I mean the VHS original cut).

After a rewatch....

It is worse than I thought! The struggle to stay awake, let alone watch the film, was tricky! This is really bad film making disguised with impressive effects! Akin to the experience of eating a lump of dog dirt coated with sugar! Too many inconsistencies to make this a part of the series of films. Turgid acting and forced exposition! This is NOT Star Wars!